10 Tips for Active Listening

Communication is a two-way process that involves sending and receiving messages through verbal and non-verbal methods, conveying and exchanging information in the form of thoughts, opinions, and ideas between two or more individuals. The goal of communication is to build shared understanding.

Active Listening is Key to the Purpose of Communication

I emphasize ”two-way” and “understanding” in the definition above intentionally, my point being to drive home the importance of our own critical part in the interactive process of communication. We can control how intently we listen while we communicate, and thus aid or obstruct the goal of shared understanding.

There is a difference between passively hearing and actively listening to others. As we speak, we desire to have others listen to what we’re saying, rather than passively hearing it and moving on. Respecting other people’s need for their message to come across is the essence of active listening. Active listening skills don’t always come naturally, but you can cultivate them and greatly enhance your communication effectiveness, the quality of your interaction with others, and your overall emotional intelligence competency of empathy, as a result.

At this point, I think it is important to point out that there is still a lot to learn about how neurodiverse people, such as those on the autism spectrum and those with ADHD, communicate and respond in workplace and social situations. While the points that follow hold true for the general population, it’s nevertheless important to remember that you may encounter highly talented, valuable people who are neurodiverse and whose communication skills, behaviors, and cues vary from what we expect as “normal.”

10 Active Listening Tips

Here are 10 tips to apply active listening skills for more effective communication that will help the other person feel valued and let them know their message is heard and respected.

1. Eye Contact

Eye contact is a source of subtle social cues and an important part of face-to-face conversations (including video calls). Being on camera does not come naturally to everyone, and some people find face-to-face conversations stressful, so for example, too much or too little eye contact can be intimidating to others. You can refine eye-contact awareness by practicing with others who know you well enough to offer honest feedback. Try talking with someone you’re comfortable with and getting their input about your typical eye contact behavior. In general, when you look away, looking to the side or upwards is better than looking down, which can seem like you want to close the conversation.

2. “Listening” by paying attention to nonverbal cues

Pay attention to what the other person is saying with their demeanor and physical behavior. For example, are they smiling? If so, does that smile seem authentic or forced? Are they tense or relaxed in the way they present themselves? Are their arms crossed defensively? There is a wealth of information about how to interpret what’s colloquially known as “body language,” and while this is a subject that merits extensive study and training, you can pick up valuable information when you observe how another person conveys their message as well as what that message is.

Even during voice calls or on videoconferencing, you can learn from the other person’s voice, appearance, and demeanor. In my monthly leadership coaching calls with clients, I can easily pick up the energy level and determine if something is bothering the other person by observing nonverbal behavior.

3. Don’t interrupt

Nobody likes to be interrupted mid-message. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. Interrupting often gives the impression that you think your message is more important than what someone else is trying to say to you. For neurodivergent workers, handling interruptions by others, as well as refraining from interrupting, can be especially difficult. Instead of jumping in, hold your thoughts and let the other person play out their point before you respond. Even if you are naturally a “faster” speaker or thinker than others in the conversation, you are better off when you pace yourself and take time to respond. Remember: a few seconds of silence has merit on its own, and letting the other person speak will make it easier for you to understand and respond to their message.

4. Listen without judging

Listening without judging is easier said than done. We love to think we’re unbiased, but our brains are naturally wired for quick judgment based on superficial input. Thus, we focus more on our own preconceived view of right or wrong, which can cause us to dismiss other viewpoints. When we hear something that makes us think in terms of “should,” we impose our own bias on the situation and we become vulnerable to our own emotions, which limits our ability to clearly understand the situation and message.

5. Don’t plan your responses

If you are planning what you’re going to say next, then you’re not listening. Focus on what the other party is saying now.

6. Show that you’re listening

Show that you’re listening in an unforced manner. Indicate that you’re paying attention and want to know more to encourage the speaker to continue.

7. Do not impose your opinions or solutions

It’s not always easy, but lending a listening, supportive ear can be much more rewarding than telling someone what they should do. A listening ear might be what they were looking for by coming to you in the first place. Sometimes people just need to be heard without being given an answer or having their problem solved for them.

If you really must share your opinion and/or solution, ask first if they want to hear it – say something like “Would you like to hear my suggestions?” or “Can I share with you some of my thoughts?”

8. Stay focused

If you're finding it difficult to focus on what someone is saying, try repeating their words in your head as they say them – this will reinforce what they’re saying and help you to concentrate.

I’ll also go back to eye contact. Look at them to focus on their words and non-verbal cues.

9. Ask questions

Asking relevant questions can show that you’ve been listening, help clarify what has been said, and deepen your understanding.

If you’re not sure you’ve understood correctly, wait until the speaker pauses and then say something like “I’m not sure if I understood what you were saying…” or “can you elaborate on what you meant when you said… “

I’ve also found that relying on some behavioral interviewing skills can be helpful , such as asking questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “What did you do next?”

10. Paraphrase and summarize

Repeating what has been said really shows you’ve been paying attention, and allows the speaker to correct you if you haven’t understood.

Sometimes called reflecting, repeating what has been said indicates that you understand it. It may seem awkward at first, but really shows you’ve been paying attention—and allows the speaker to correct you if you haven’t understood correctly. If you’re not sure how to do this, try starting a sentence with: "Sounds like you‘re saying…”

I hope you begin putting into practice these tips. Old habits are hard to break, so you’ll need to make a conscious effort to become an active listener.

Try spending a week in which you summarize the main points or outcomes at the end of each conversation or meeting. This will help you get into the habit.